September is National Suicide Awareness Month. This week specifically – the 8th-14th – is Suicide Awareness Week. Suicide is a very real topic with me because suicide ideation is something I struggled with a lot as a teenager. When I was a month away from turning 26, I came very close to taking my own life.

In December 2016 I moved to Arizona permanently. I couldn’t have been happier. When I was still at BYU-Idaho I was afraid I’d have to return to Ohio to live with my parents. But an opportunity cropped up for me to return to Arizona so I could settle there for good.

January 2017 started my downward spiral for the year. That was month I started to feel trapped. Some relatives of mine kindly opened their home to me until I could get a place of my own. However, they had a baby soon after I moved in with them. A baby changes the family dynamic and adds new stress to family life. In all honesty, they needed their home to be theirs as they adjusted to their little one. I felt like I was taking up space. I felt like I was invading their privacy.

In all honesty, I was constantly stressed out. I was trying to find a job but couldn’t find anything I wanted. I didn’t even know what I wanted to do with my life. I had no clue what field I wanted to go in. I was strapped for cash, needed a job so I could start paying rent soon, and spent a good chunk of my savings on buying my first car, Caspian.

I didn’t have any friends. Church was miserable. I didn’t have my own space. To top it all off, I said something extremely rude and insensitive to one of the family members who was letting me live with them. After that, I lived in fear of being kicked out unexpectedly. I tried to be a good tenant, but I felt like I could never do anything right and that I was always one mistake away from living in my car. I felt like a burden, a millstone around everyone’s neck dragging them down,

One evening I got into my car and started driving around. It was the lowest I had felt in about three years. As I drove, a little voice kept whispering: “Just do it already. You’ve thought about killing yourself for years. No one will care you’re gone. Look at what you’ve already done. Just do it already. No one will notice.“

I can’t even express how real that voice was. I don’t anticipate anyone will understand until they go through something similar themselves. It was as if someone was sitting in the backseat, leaning their head close to my left ear and whispering those words.

There was construction on the road I was driving down with concrete barriers lining the right shoulder. My hands gripped the steering wheel so hard my knuckles turned white. It would be so easy for me to sharply turn the wheel and crash into those barriers. I remember tasting the desire to do so in my mouth. It was heavy and thick on my tongue. Do it do it do it. It was right there in front of me. It wouldn’t be that hard. My heart pounded. I could hear the blood rushing around in my ears. DO IT DO IT DO IT! There was this excitement pinging around inside of me. I could do it. I could do it! DO IT NOW!

But I didn’t. I kept driving, eyeing those barriers, my fingers gripping the wheel so tight. I couldn’t do it because I was afraid. I was afraid of killing myself and being “that girl” who was remembered for being a drama queen.

I turned down a different road, absolutely disgusted with myself. And you know what I thought? I’m pathetic. I’m such a coward. I’m a coward and I can’t even follow through with a plan.

Then a song came on the radio that broke through to me:

During the first chorus of that song (by a band that is dear to me), I burst out sobbing. As odd as this may sound, I know that song was a message from my Heavenly Father. He broke through to me in the most impactful way He could – through music. That song testified to me that God would not leave my side. I knew that He was there with me. He needed me for a reason and a purpose. And I knew He would always be with me.

I drove home.

Did things get instantly better?

Nope. I wish I could say they did, but they didn’t. The next day was one of the worst days of my life – one that I wish I could permanently erase from my brain and one I deliberately try not to think about.

In fact, the rest of the year was a huge struggle. Even when I moved out and got my own space, I still struggled. When New Years Ever 2017 slipped into New Year’s Day 2018, I sobbed out of relief.

I felt very alone for a lot of 2017. Over the summer I lost the will to live and felt dead inside and was just going through the motions. But that desire to take my life was gone. I knew that, for some reason, Heavenly Father needed me here on earth. I wanted to know why. And that little ember burned inside of me until I was able to pick myself up, shake off the dust, and ask for help.

Things get better.
I promise you they do.

Maybe they won’t get better today or tonight or tomorrow, but they will. We just have to hold on to

Hold
On.
Pain
Ends.

If you or someone you know is battling these dark feelings, please reach out. Here’s the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1-800-273-8255

You deserve to live and breathe.

Your story isn’t over.

;