On August 20th I was scheduled to teach the Sunday School lesson at church. It was lesson 28 – “O God, Where Art Thou?” I was really looking forward to teaching this particular lesson because I know it was partly for my benefit. I haven’t exactly been quiet about the fact that 2017 has been a personal trial, and I was looking forward to delving into this lesson to hopefully find some comfort.

I wasn’t able to teach, though. On August 20th I spent the majority of the day with my family in the hospital as my Uncle Chad passed away.

In late July I knew this would be the lesson I’d teach, so I started preparing for it. When Uncle Chad was put in the hospital, though, I knew I wouldn’t be able to make it to church for the next little while. Still, the few insights that I gained have caused me to pause and reflect.

“Adversity” is a noun that means difficulties, misfortune, sorrow … quite a gloomy word, honestly. When I tried looking up the root to this word on my favorite word website, I was intrigued that the adjective “adverse” was a suggestion to look up as well.

The root for “adverse” blew me away. “Adverse” can be traced back to the Latin root advertere which means “to turn toward.” Vertere means “to turn, turn back; be turned; convert, transform, translate; be changed” (the bolded words are the ones that stood out to me the most).

For a moment I sat there feeling a little stunned. Then a rather snarky thought raced in my head: “Of course it would mean ‘to turn toward.’ Isn’t everything difficult meant to turn us back to the Savior?”

Over the past two weeks while my uncle was in the hospital, I kept coming back to this little tidbit. I couldn’t help wondering: how is my adversity this year helping me turn toward the Savior? Is it? Because if I’m honest, I’ve been somewhat bitter and angry at God this year.

I’ve never experienced a whole year where it’s been trial after hardship. I’ve never felt so lost, lonely, and unsatisfied with myself and my life. I’ve wanted to scream Joseph’s words on several occasions: “O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?” I keep telling myself that eventually this year will come to an end and will be just a bad memory instead of a nightmare.

Lately I feel like I haven’t been letting my trials turn me toward the Savior. If anything, I’ve felt weighed down, tired, and hopeless. I keep putting one foot in front of the other, but the majority of the time I don’t see a point to my life. When I realized this I began wondering if there had ever been a trial that had turned me to the Lord. I thought of my mission – because those eighteen months were a trial and a blessing all rolled into one. While I felt a lot of anger toward my mission leaders for a long time, I never really blamed God. In fact, my mission solidified my testimony of God and Jesus Christ and cemented my testimony of the gospel.

So what’s the difference between then and now? Then – where my trial made me stronger – and now – where I feel brittle, weak, and hopeless?

Honestly, I’m not 100% sure. But I think, at least for me personally, a lot of it comes back to my attitude. Do I want to be changed? Do I want to fight tooth and nail to keep my testimony? Do I want to lay down because I’m exhausted and tired – physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally? Do I want the easy way out? Do I want to give up?

It’s tough. Life is downright difficult. During some trials it’s all we can do to just endure. Sometimes we can’t muster being all “sunshine in the soul” and “count[ing our] blessings” because we need every ounce of energy to just freaking survive.

And I’ve learned that’s okay.

As long as we keep our focus on Heavenly Father and the Savior.

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, …
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless, …
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design …
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.
– “How Firm a Foundation,” Hymn #85, verses 3-5

It is my testimony and witness that there is a God. He is real and loves us. And though our trials can be painful and unbearable, I bear witness that they are for our good, growth, and learning. It is through the “fiery trials” that we learn to rely on God and become more like Him.

We have a Savior, Jesus Christ. He lives! It is through His atonement that we can find the extra strength we need to continue on through the darkness until the light breaks forth.

Their love is real. I have felt it in my life. It is a pure, unending, undying love – a source of great power, comfort and strength.

Which way will you let your trials turn you?