On Tuesday – the 8th – I went to my last group therapy session of the semester. Needless to say, it was a very bittersweet session for me.

Group therapy is something I’ve been a bit quiet about. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever written about it on the blog this semester. It’s not because I was embarrassed or anything. Group therapy was one of the greatest things I’ve ever done. The reason I didn’t write about it was because of the confidentiality that we agreed to. The basic policy was that what is said in the group stays in the group. We also weren’t allowed to hang out or talk to each other outside of group. That was a hard rule for me at times, but I stuck to it. Now that group has ended, I feel like I can talk more freely.

I guess I should start at the beginning.

The last half of Spring semester was atrocious. I came back from my study abroad and after a few weeks my depression hit hard. For the first time in my life I really realized what it was instead of grappling for words to explain my intense unhappiness. For two months I wrestled with it and determined that I was not going to let this rule my life.

Over the summer I read a book on depression. I began understanding some more things about me and how depression works inside of me. I also realized that a huge reason my depression is a problem is because I don’t communicate when I’m depressed. I have a very hard time verbalizing what’s wrong, probably because a) I never did that as a teenager, and b) people’s reactions to depression are not kind or understanding.

Now that I knew how to recognize depression within in, I determined my next step was figuring out how to deal with it and communicate. Counseling services are free on campus, so I went in around the time school started and talked to a counselor. He was honestly impressed with how well I was doing and able to handle my depression. He said, “Honestly, you probably need to read a few self-help books and you’ll e good to go. You’re very strong.” But he also told me that maybe a good option would be group therapy.

I wasn’t sure I’d be able to tell complete strangers about my problems, but I felt that I needed to do group.

And I’m so thankful I did.

Tuesdays from 3-4:30 was my favorite time of the week. I look forward to those group sessions so much. I lived for Tuesdays more than any other day.

I loved group because I came in with no judgement placed on me and no preconceived notions of my personality. In some respects, I felt that I was more real in group than anywhere else. We were just 6 strangers, each trying to overcome something. In some ways, I feel it’s a lot easier to be honest with people you don’t know 100%.

Even though we weren’t allowed to hang out together outside of group while the semester was going on, I think we all got to know each other on deep levels. Having someone missing from group was like having a hole in my life. We offered encouragement, support, a listening ear, and honesty. No one in my entire life has listened as well as the people in group. When I had the floor, no one interrupted me. No one tried to tell me what to do. No one tried to fix my problems. They listened first, and then offered suggestions. That meant the world to me, because I feel that a lot of time people don’t really listen.

I walked away from group with a knew realization of my self worth, which was something I never expected. I remember one time saying how I felt about myself, and one of my group members turned to me and said, “Do you know that the person you perceive yourself to be isn’t real?” Her words struck me deep in the heart. For the first time in my life I realized that maybe I’m wrong about myself – maybe I’m not as horrible of a person as I think I am. Her words meant so much to me that I wrote them down on a note card.

Doug, one of the facilitators, also said something that has come to mean a lot to me. When I talked about how much pressure I feel at times being Relief Society president and the ridiculously high standards I hold myself to, he said, “What if you’re just good enough?” I’ve been trying to live by those words. I don’t have to be perfect. I’m going to make mistakes. And that’s okay.

Every single person in group overcame challenges. I’m so proud of everyone and how we grew over the semester. Group helped me find the courage to finally talk to my mission president. Group taught me the value of not holding my tongue. Group taught me it’s okay to struggle. There were so many times people would talk about something going on in their life and I would think, “They understand. They know, too. I’m not alone.”

After our last session, we all added each other on Facebook. I hope I get to see someone of them again on campus. Each and every one of my group members have embedded themselves in a corner of my heart. I love them all so dearly.

I don’t think I’ll be doing counseling again next semester, but I do want to ask the front desk in the Counseling Center if they have any suggestions on reading material for depression and anger management. I know what direction I need to go in now. I know how to take control of my life.

There’s a song by Anberlin that reminds me a lot of group. Parts of the first verse don’t apply too much, but everything after that does, especially this part of the chorus:

You’re so brilliant – don’t soon forget.
You’re so brilliant. Grace marked your heart.

I think in therapy I really did learn the correlation between salvation and love. I learned what it felt like to be unconditionally cared for and how people can help us along our road in life.

To my group mates: Never give up. Never forget how brilliantly you shine. Thank you being there, for being who you are. The Unwinding Cable Car describes exactly how I feel about each and every one of you. Keep fighting. I’ll always be fighting with you in my heart.

This is the correlation between salvation and love
Don’t drop your arms. I’ll guard your heart –
With quiet words I’ll lead you in and out of the dark.