Over the course of the past 19 months, I’ve talked about my struggles with my mission. Perhaps I’ve spoken a bit more than I should have, but writing is therapeutic. Not only that, I know there are others who have struggled like me and I hope that my journey can help them find peace.

When I came home last April, I was so angry and mad over my mission. The rest of 2014 was dismal because of how much I let the anger fester inside of me. It’s important for us to feel and acknowledge our emotions. I learned that firsthand after coming home. However, I took it a bit too far and let myself stew more than necessary.

When January of this year rolled around, I’d had enough. I was sick of carrying this burden around and how it was making me into a hardened person. I started taking control and working on getting rid of all this negativity. I found that in order to do so, I had to get to the root of my problem: anger, depression, and low self-esteem.

I had to reconcile some things with myself. I had to accept the fact that I made mistakes as a missionary, but that those mistakes don’t define me as a missionary and person. I had to accept that, even though my main purpose as a missionary was to invite others to come to Christ, the main goal of my mission was to change and shape and mold me – and that’s okay. I had to accept that people perceived me differently because I hid my personality out of protection. I reconciled with myself that my mission wasn’t what I wanted, but what I needed.

After coming to those terms, there was one more thing I had to do. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to talk to hardly any of the leaders about how they had hurt me. They were young and inexperienced and, quite frankly, didn’t know how to handle certain situations. There was, however, one person I knew I could talk to.

My mission president.

Back in June I attended a mission reunion. I was reluctant to go, but during the three hours spent there I had a massive change of heart. On my way home from the reunion I got a strong feeling that I needed to see my mission president one-on-one. If I didn’t, this weight was going to stay with me until I did.

For a little while I agonized over meeting with President. Finally I bit the bullet and decided to do it. The day before Thanksgiving I had one of my friends drop me off at his house.

In all honesty, it was one of the best conversations I’ve had with anyone. We just caught up for about an hour. I felt their love and concern as President and his wife asked me how I was doing, what I was up to, and how I was taking hold of my depression. I was amazed at how truly interested they were in my life.

And then, at the very end, I apologized. I apologized to President for everything I had done to him and how I had treated him. Initially I had gone to gain clarity over some things, but as we talked about our lives I received that clarity all on my own. He didn’t need to say a word.

But I did.

And when I had said my piece, I finally let everything go.

It’s a remarkable feeling. I kind of expected a big, booming sensation to go off in me. I expected lights and bells and confetti. But it was better. It was soft and quiet. It was like blowing  grey dust into the air and seeing it turn into sparkling, gold flecks in the sunlight.

Finally this book is closed. I know that there are probably going to be some people I struggle with for a little longer yet. But for the first time in about 19 months, I feel completely free.

And I have no desire to look back.