To be honest, I don’t even remember what was going on when I had this thought. All I remember is lying on my bed, facing the wall, staring at the white paint. I don’t remember what I was thinking about that led me to this, but all of a sudden, as I continued to stare at that white paint, this thought ran across my mind:

Why am I comparing myself to others so much when this life is all about my salvation?

The “my” hit me so hard I almost saw stars dance before my eyes. I understood a truth that’s been preached to me over and over again – one I thought I understood.

This realization hit me sometime during Spring semester, I think, and over the months I’ve sometimes forgotten it. But more than ever before, I’ve started realizing just how much our society tends to focus on and compare our lives with others.

Of course we have stewardships over people, depending on our station in life. Mothers and fathers take care of children, sometimes our church calling or occupation put us as a leader of a group of people, etc. Families are meant to help other members progress in the gospel, and the same is true with friends.

At the end of the day, though, it is up to us to really decide where we want to go and how we’re going to get there. No one can force us to do anything, not even Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

There were plenty of times on my mission when an investigator or less active would stop progressing, and my companions would essentially blame us for not working hard enough. They would say, “We should’ve done more,” or “We couldn’t done this different,” or “If only we had taught this better.” I should have said this out loud more, but often I would be thinking, Or maybe they just decided that they don’t want the gospel in their life. Or maybe they’re not ready. But I know I did everything I knew how to in my power to bring this person to Christ.

I lot of my life I’ve been unhappy because I’ve been worried or jealous about other people. I’ve been worried about what they think of me, how they perceive me, what they say to others about me. I get jealous when people I know reach milestones of engagement, marriage, or having a baby and I wonder, “Why isn’t that me? What have I done wrong?” I sit and stew over other people’s lives and the things they’ve accomplished, all the while feeling inadequate, ugly, unimportant, and unnoticed.

But this year, that has come to a stop – a much faster stop than I anticipated. I’ve been trying harder than ever to not compare my life to others. Cutting back on how much I view social media has really helped. Not posting as much has helped, too. This year I’ve taken a look inwardly and examined what is making me unhappy. Some are easy fixes, like not scrolling through endless updates on Facebook or looking up people I don’t like just to see how life has treated them. Other things, like depression, are a little harder to manage, but not impossible.

Instead of letting myself stew over other people, I’m focusing more on my life: school, work, my calling, and other things that interest me. Getting to know the people in my ward and helping out others in small ways brings me a lot of joy.

I think sometimes we indoctrinate ourselves that focusing on us is a bad thing. But it’s not. We need to have a relationship with us. We need to know what makes us happy, stressed, and angry. We need to know how we react to certain things. We need to know when to say “Enough is enough” and take a break.

It can be a hard balance between focusing on ourselves and others at the same time. One trick I’ve learned is that you should only give your time to those who give you of their time. If I get a prompting to reach out to someone, I will. If they don’t get back to me, I’ve learned not sweat it or take it personally. I just don’t have a big part in their life anymore. That’s when I back off and focus my attention on those who are really there.

At my judgement day, God isn’t going to compare my performance with anyone else’s. So why should I do that here in mortality?

Comparison robs us of happiness, contentment, peace, and joy. It robs us of our identity. It robs us of our life.

That is why I’m vowing to live my life in the here and now.