After coming home from my mission and getting past the weird, dreamlike week and a half of adjusting to post-mission life, I realized that I had come home with a large amount of hate in my heart.

In the past I had disliked and not gotten along with people. But this particular person from my mission blew everyone else out of the water. For the first time in my life I felt what it meant to truly hate someone and feel nothing but contempt toward them. During the past nine months I’ve felt this hate poison my life. The mere mention of this person’s name or seeing their face on Facebook makes my stomach churn and the poison begins running through my veins. I see red when this individual is mentioned in conversations, and just the thought of talking to or seeing them makes me bristle.

I’ve had several meltdowns over the actions of this person where I just sob and speak words riddled with venom about them. Over Christmas break my mom told me something: “You have to let this go or it’ll destroy you.”

I didn’t realize the importance of her statement until Monday.

Music’s always had the ability to speak to me in a way that even books can’t. In high school I used to listen to Christian rock on a regular basis, but around the time I moved to Ohio I stopped. Just this semester I’ve gotten back into it. Monday while cleaning this song popped up on my Christian radio station:

This line impacted me the most:

This is love calling, love calling out to the broken.

Hopefully I can try to explain my thought process when I heard that line, as everything came rushing to me in just a few seconds.

I’ve felt a lot of pressure from people to forgive this person that I hate right now. I’ve told a few people outside my family about my struggles with this individual, and a lot of the time their response is along the lines of, “Well, you just have to forgive them because they’re a great person and I had a great relationship with them.”

No matter what people say, words hurt, and the words from this particular person on my mission cut me to the core. They shook me as a missionary and made me question my value and individual worth on multiple occasions – most of the time leaving me in tears. I’ve tried in vain to love this person and forgive them, but right now, it’s just not possible.

This is love calling, love calling out to the broken.

I realized with that line that I’ve been focusing on the wrong love. You can’t love someone when you hate them.

The only thing I can do right now is call on the love of my Savior. He’s the one calling out to me.

The Atonement of Jesus Christ fixes everything. Through the Atonement, this hate I feel can be erased. I can’t get rid of the hate I feel toward this individual on my own. I can’t forgive them on my own because the wounds still go too deep.

But if I focus on the love of Jesus Christ and focus on healing myself, eventually this hate will go away.

I’ve learned that even though people mean well with their suggestions, you don’t have to take their advice. I’ve learned to be selective with who I talk to about deep matters. I’ve learned that the Lord knows my progress, my heart, and my desires. And really, in the end, He’s the only person who matters.

I’m so thankful for family, roommates, and companions from the field who have been patient with me while I battle these feelings out.

Finally I feel like I’m getting back up again.