Probably the hardest aspect of my bipolar is the depth and intensity of my emotions. I tend to describe it to people that when I feel something, take it and multiply it by 100. Because my brain also doesn’t process things regularly, it takes me awhile to come to terms with things. The last 10 months have been spattered with anxiety, sadness, and even moments of panic. I’ve slowly had to learn that reciting affirmations, writing things out, and making lists really helps me to calm down. I’ve also had to tell myself to look at the positives of this situation. So I’m going to write a list of 16 positive things I’ve noticed since becoming single.

1. Less gas
2. Less presents to buy
3. Less busy
4. More time to myself
5. Things I suggest to watch don’t get rejected – The Office and Maleficent come to mind.
6. I can listen to my music in the car
7. I can do things on my time
8. No more people asking, “When are you two finally getting married?!” – Seriously, it’s annoying.
9. I get to eat my food – No more sneaking fries off my plate (unless my niece and nephew ask).
10. More time to focus on my goals – Shelving some of my goals was my own fault. I was so wrapped up with wanting to get married first before starting grad school that I just kept pushing things back. Now there’s more room in my life – and time and space – to focus on the things I’ve planned for myself.
11. Less stress
12. Increased self worth – After the breakup I was completely shattered. I sobbed and cried and hated myself because I thought I did everything wrong and that, in order to redeem myself, I had to win him back. Over the months I’ve come to realize that, even though things ended horribly and didn’t work out, I’m not an inherently bad person. I made mistakes and hurt some people in the process, which pains me. But I learned. I grew. I think I eventually saw all over again the good that I can do and the good that I want to do in the world.
13. Staying healthy for the right reasons – When I was in a relationship, I was worried about how I looked. I wondered in the back of my mind a lot, “Is he still attracted to me? Does he really mean it when he says I’m beautiful?” I wanted to look good for him. Now I want to be healthy for myself because it’s important to my health
14. Less questioning – I don’t question myself as much as I used to. “Was I wrong to have this boundary? Was it wrong to do that?” I’m not saying we should never think about our actions. But I’ve noticed that I’m more confident in my values and what my personal boundaries are.
15. No more trying to decide where to eat
16. No more agreements without any deep discussion

I hope this list doesn’t come across as vindictive or bashing. The past 10 months have been rough as I’ve tried to come to terms with many details, questions, and emotions. It’s been a lot to process and sift through. There are times I wonder if I will ever find someone to love again and if I’ll have that kind of connection with someone. As nice as that would be, the value and worth of my life is not dependent on a relationship. There are a lot of things that I can do right now.

Originally I wanted to write a list of 30 things, but I couldn’t think of anything after 16. Instead of forcing it, I decided to leave it as is. Maybe one day down the road I’ll be able to list 30 things. For now, I’m going to celebrate the progress I have made.