September is National Suicide Awareness Month. This is a topic near and dear to my heart because I’ve been brought down to the darkest depths were I felt like death was the only way out. I never attempted suicide – so maybe my thoughts won’t count – but I know what it’s like to contemplate, ruminate, and seriously consider death as a way to end suffering.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the church I belong to, has a very moving video about suicide prevention as well as a website that addresses this issue:

While I love the fact that the church is addressing mental health more, I’m going to say one little thing I don’t agree with – the tagline, Choose to stay.

I know, I know – I feel terrible for not really like it, but it just kind of rubs me the wrong way. Here’s why – and I admit that it’s very nitpicky. In order to explain what I mean, we have to get down to some grammar.

In Choose to stay, the verb is “choose.” So what does “to stay” become? It’s an infinitive phrase that because the direct object of the sentence. “To stay” answers the question “what?” What are you choosing? To stay.

Merriam-Webster has a plethora of definitions for “stay.” There is one definition that means “to stand firm,” which I really like. But the majority of the definitions are to remain in place, stop moving forward, stop progressing, etc. It’s stagnant.

With my experience of wanting to kill myself, I literally could not remain stagnant. I couldn’t “stay.”

The closest I ever came to killing myself was in January 2017. I graduated 6 months previous with my bachelor’s degree in English but had no clue what I wanted to do with my life. I was living in a new city with family. I had no friends, no job, no direction, nothing.

I sank into a depression. Tensions were pretty high between me and my family members. They had their own things going on and adding me to the mix was just stressful for everyone around. I’m thankful that they let me live with them while I got on my feet but it wasn’t easy. Things came to a head one night and I left the house to get away for a bit.

As I was driving around, I noticed there were concrete barriers along the side of the road where construction was going on. That’s when a voice inside my head said, “Do it. Just crash your car. No one is going to care.”

I wish I could convey how strong that voice was. My hands gripped the steering wheel so tight my knuckles started turning white. I could taste the desire to end my life in my mouth. My heart was pounding, my mind was racing. It was right there, so close. All I needed to do was pick up speed and violently turn the steering wheel.

I was 25 at the time, almost 26. Like I said above, I had no job, no idea what I wanted to do with my life, no home to call my own, a tense living situation, and nothing to my name. I wasn’t married or even in a relationship. All of my closest friends were hundreds of miles away in a different states. I felt like a failure and a burden to my family. I felt like the only way to fix everything was by taking myself out of the equation permanently.

For the next little while I drove around to build up my courage to actually go through with it. The voice was constantly there, egging me on, telling me how weak and pathetic I was and how killing myself would solve all my problems. Oh how I wanted to. I was slowly building up the courage I needed and making plans for how I would make sure I could crash into those barriers with just the right speed to end my life.

So why didn’t I go through with it? One of my favorite songs came on the radio. I started bawling at the chorus.

That song felt like Heavenly Father speaking directly to me. I was in such a dark place that this was really the one way to get through me. The line that really got me was “I won’t let you say goodbye / and I’ll be your reason why.”

It was an almost painful realization to make that I couldn’t die. For whatever reason, God wanted to me live. Part of me was relieved but part of me was also frustrated. How could I end all the turmoil inside? Was it even possible? Where did I need to start?

Things did not immediately get better. In fact, I would say they got a little bit worse. Eventually I decided that I needed to make some changes to my environment and to myself.

These are the things I chose to do throughout the remainder of 2017:

1. I chose to live. There was a period of time that year where living literally consisted of going through the motions: getting up, going to work, eating something when I felt hungry (I lose my appetite when I’m depressed). That was it. Finally I got to a point where I wanted to do so much more with my life than just the bare basics. I wanted to feel alive, not just be alive.
2. I chose to get help. For awhile I thought I’d be able to get out of this slump myself. But after feeling numb the entire summer, I realized I needed professional help. After reach out to my local church leaders, I started seeing a counselor at LDS Family Services. I credit that counselor with saving my life. Because of her gentle suggestions to look into medication, I’ve been on my antidepressant for almost 3 years. It’s been the biggest game changer for me.
3. I chose to change. I realized that there were things about myself I needed to change – my outlook, my attitude, the way I care for myself. This meant going to counseling to recognize negative thinking patterns in order to change them. I needed to look at other factors that were causing increase symptoms in my depression: my lack of organization, my lack of time management, my lack of having a clean living area, and my lack of taking care of myself by eating well, exercising, and making sure I partake in meaningful activities. I’m still not super great at eating well and exercising, but I know those are two areas I need to work on. I’ve gotten much better at organizing my schedule and living space. I realized that changing habits to make a more peaceful environment made a huge difference in my life.
4. I chose to love myself. It’s easy to feel guilty about not being happy. The thing about depression is that it creeps up on you and all you can see is darkness. Those who have never really experienced depression for long periods of time don’t understand how all-consuming that darkness can be and how it’s not something you can just “snap out of.” I came to the realization that depression is something I’ll battle the rest of my life. Even on medication, I experience periods where I’m low and can really feel the symptoms of my depression. The darkness creeps back in, though it isn’t nearly as bad as it was previously. Once I learned to accept myself – and my brain – for what it is, I started loving myself for who I am. I began seeing the strengths that I have. I recognized all the things I’ve been able to accomplish in my life despite my struggles.

I had an interesting discussion with my sister about the tagline Choose to Stay. She really likes the tagline. Again, I’m not saying the tagline is completely awful. If it inspires hope in you, please hold on to it. The most important thing is to choose to not end your life prematurely. You are needed. You matter. You are loved.