April 22, 2014 – that was the day my parents walked into the Peachwood chapel before the start of the last transfer meeting I’d sit through. As soon as I saw them walking through the doors, I ran to them, threw my arms around my mom, and started sobbing. Those tears were a mixture of relief, sadness, and peace as a burden was lifted off my shoulders – the burden of being alone.

It’s hard for me to believe that it’s been half a decade since I returned home. For the longest time all I ever thought about and prepared for was serving a mission. When my time as a missionary came to a close, I was nervous about what life would look like for me afterwards. Would I be as happy as I was as a missionary? Would I struggle as much as I did as a missionary?

The five years since coming home have been nothing short of amazing. Have I had trials? Yes. I’ve definitely struggled, but the tools I have to deal with those struggles are much better than what I had as a missionary (which was basically nothing). Am I as happy as I was while serving? No. I’m much happier.

During these five years, I’ve mostly come to terms with the fact that my mission was not the best 18 months of my life. Those are the hard, cold facts. I love my time in the Utah Salt Lake City West mission getting to know the Spanish language, the culture of the people I taught, and the gospel. But I didn’t like my mission leaders because they told me some very misguided things in an order to “help” me with my depression. Those things ended up doing more harm than good.

The peace I’ve found concerning my mission has blessed my life immensely. Sometimes I still wonder why I had to go through the things I did. At the end of the day, though, I know that my mission was for and about me.

There was a saying in my mission that was pretty popular: “The mission isn’t about you. It’s about the Lord.” To be honest, I don’t agree with that statement 100%. Yes, I focused on the Savior more than I ever had in my life and was more in tune to the Spirit than ever. My life revolved around what He needed me to do in my areas to help His children. At the same time, though, I needed to go on a mission for me.

I needed to be humbled. I needed to be dragged out of my comfort zone. I needed to learn Spanish. I needed to face my depression head on. I needed to learn how to forgive people who hurt me. I needed to learn that not everyone’s opinions matter. I needed to learn how to stand up for myself. I needed to learn how to trust Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I needed to learn how to love myself. I needed to learn how to love others. I needed to learn that I wasn’t as flawless as I had previously thought.

Through my work in the field, I recognized all those things and started working on them. That work has continued since I’ve been home.

Even though my mission was hard, I’m thankful for it every single day of my life. I can’t wait to serve another one, whenever that will be.

Behold, I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I have been called of him to declare his word among his people, that they might have everlasting life. – 3 Nephi 5:13