It really pains me to say that, right now, my biggest trial is church.

Church is supposed to be a refuge from the storm. When I was teaching down in Mexico, church was my saving grace. For three hours out of the week I forgot about my inadequacies, stresses, and loneliness. Even though I was the only white girl there, I felt loved and accepted. People always said hi to me. About halfway through my stay I was asked to be the chorister in sacrament meeting. I felt like I belonged. Every time I walked through the church doors I felt the Spirit wrap itself around me.

But what do you do when church becomes your storm?

Yesterday was a tough day in my single’s branch – tougher than normal. I didn’t want to be there. Throughout most of my life I’ve felt invisible at church. In this YSA branch, where the average age is probably 21 – it’s easy to get lost between the cracks. Because I don’t live with my parents, have a full-time job, graduated with a bachelor’s, and have my own insurance, I think a lot of people are under the assumption that there’s no need to really be concerned about me – that I “have it all together” and I can “deal” with things.

The truth of the fact is I still have struggles. I still feel lonely when my friends aren’t there on Sunday. Just because I’m quiet and have a busy schedule doesn’t mean I don’t want to do things. I’m more than willing to work around my schedule to find a time that works for game nights or Wendy’s runs.

Just because I’m further along in the adult phase than the other branch members doesn’t mean I don’t need people to care. We are creatures of affection, of relationships. We need those things to thrive.

Anyway, I sat in sacrament meeting yesterday with a stone cold heart. I did not want to open myself up to be inspired. For months now I’ve been on the fence about attending the family ward instead of the single’s branch. I was ruminating over that and seething at something I was told about my calling as branch chorister. In the middle of testimony meeting, a quiet voice wiggled its way into my heart.

Read Hymn #124, “Be Still, My Soul.”

Music has always offered me comfort in ways other things can’t. The hymns in particular bring a certain peace to my life. I wasn’t going to ignore that prompting, especially since “Be Still, My Soul” is one of my favorite hymns. I only read the first two verses:

“Be Still, My Soul”
Text by Katharina von Schlegel, Music by Jean Sibelius

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev’ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heav’nly Friend thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake to guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

After drinking in those beautiful words, another impression came to my mind:

When was the last time you were still?

In all honesty, I can’t remember.

Right now my life is hectic – 40 hour job, 45 minute commute to said job one way, 5 hour volunteer shift on Saturday at the temple, and 1 college course. It may not sound like a lot, but it is. I’m tired most of the time and just want to rest. My mind is constantly swirling with plans for the future, wondering how I’m going to afford graduate school, planning how to get out of debt and pay for car repairs, trying to decide if I need to go to a family ward, wondering what I need to do better to be happier in the branch, dealig with my anger over church, trying to get back on track with reading my scriptures and saying my prayers, training for a 5k, trying to get more sleep …

… and on and on and on.

When was the last time I was still?

I found myself bearing my testimony of this hymn and the experience I had while reading it. I don’t know why I had to bear my testimony, but I knew I had to. Saying that being still helps us feel Heavenly Father’s answers helped me make a dedicated decision in my life to be more still overall, to carve out time in my busy day where I can just sit and be.

And hopefully, within those still moments, I can figure out what I need to do.

Be still, my soul.

Be still.