Over the past year I’ve had to learn that it’s okay to have periods of time when you’re not okay. When I started taking my antidepressant and felt on top of the world and calm for the first half of the year, I thought it was my new normal. Having any feeling of frustration and unhappiness freaked me out. I wasn’t used to it anymore. Wasn’t I somewhat “fixed?” If I was, then why do I feel broken right now?

This year I’ve struggled with being single more than any other year I’ve been alive. For the longest time I thought I was selfish for wanting a romantic relationship. Lately, though, I realized that we are creatures that are meant to be loved. It’s not just enough to give other people love – we need to receive it.

There’s a lot of love in my life from family and friends. They’re there for me unconditionally and I appreciate them all more than words can express. But there’s a type of love that has been pretty much absent from my life that I’ve craved ever since I was a teenager: romantic love.

Why is that? With romantic love, someone chooses you. Yes, your friends choose you in a sense, but it’s a different kind of choosing. You’re desirable to that person. They decide to spend the rest of his/her life with you. That person wants to. That person wants to go through the ups and downs, the mundane, the joy, the hard, the calm, the crazy with you. To that person, you are worth it.

I’ve had one boyfriend in my entire life. It lasted 2.5 months, the majority of it long distance. He eventually broke up with me because he couldn’t handle my depression. I definitely had my faults in the relationship (the biggest one being too clingy), but that has experience scarred me deeper than I originally thought. Because of that incident, I’m scared that guys don’t want to get to know me because of my mental health issues. But I can’t not say anything about my depression because it’s a big part of who I am and I learn so much about the gospel through it. I’m not going to lie and hide it.

This year for a bit I was on a kick to revamp date in the church because it’s such a broken system. Guys and girls think that one date is a life commitment – guys are scared by it, girls are enthralled by it. I wanted to try to change the way dating is seen. I decided to ask guys in my branch out on dates just for fun and to get to know them.

Last year I asked a guy from my branch out on a date and he eventually crushed my heart. I asked another guy out on a date this year and we had a great time. We now work together because of our callings and I’d say we’re pretty good friends. Then I asked a third guy out on a date. I have no clue if he even had fun. When I found out he wanted to see one of my favorite movies in the entire world, I invited him over to watch it with me some time. It was one of the hardest passes I’ve ever gotten. Ever since then, he won’t look me in the eye.

That’s when I gave up.

It sounds pretty pathetic that after three tries I gave up. I feel like I don’t even have a right to feel the way I do.

But I feel frustrated, heartbroken, and hopeless, and those feelings are valid.

I’m 27. Do you know how many of my friends are married with multiple kids? Do you know how many of the girls I go to church with get asked out on dates? Do you know how many guys actually talk to them? Guys will sit by them, strike up conversations, hang out with them outside of church.

I don’t have that.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up in Surprise and I moved here after I graduated with my bachelor’s degree. Maybe it’s because I speak my mind. Maybe it’s because I’m old and my ovaries are shriveling up. Maybe it’s because of my odd sense of humor. Maybe it’s because I’m not the prettiest girl in the room. Maybe it’s because I’m educated and I have drive and ambition.

Whatever the case, every time I go to church I feel invisible. I feel like a piece of old ugly wallpaper – too useful to get rid of because she does all her jobs, but too disgusting to really look at and care about.

It’s been like that from Primary up. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me “Oh you’re so wonderful. You’re so spiritual and talented and smart. There’s a guy out there for you. You’re too good to not get married.”

Just stop, okay? Stop it. I hate those words. They sound like a consolation prize instead of a reassurance or a compliment or whatever they’re meant to be. I’m not a consolation prize.

So what do you do when that need for romantic love goes unmet and part of your hope is dying – when your heart is turning stone cold?

I’m still trying to figure that out.