April 5th was a hard day, y’all. Let’s recap a little:

• Both of the copiers outside the copy center at the North campus went down around the same time. There wasn’t much of anything I could do to fix the problems, so I had to call a tech. In the meantime, one of the teachers was a little aggravating and complaining about how the machines were down.
• Work felt a little out of control. I felt like I was being pulled in multiple directions with everything I needed to get done.
• I received two letters earlier in the week about needing to fix a few things on my taxes, but my math wasn’t adding up. I was beyond frustrated because I wasn’t sure what I was doing wrong.
• Because I was working on one of those letters in the evening, I missed a fellow branch missionary opening his mission call that night.
• I started feeling overwhelmed with getting my blog posts all squared away so I could keep on top of my posting schedule.
• I also started feeling overwhelmed with everything else I needed to do, but couldn’t get to.

When I start feeling overwhelmed like that, my depression starts kicking in. For the first time in awhile I felt that familiar feeling of darkness creeping back in to me. I’m really glad I’ve gotten to the point where I know how my depression feels. Because I lived in it for so long as a teenager, it’s a familiar darkness. It feels like a warm blanket inviting me back in to a place I know so well where I can just curl inside myself and shut everyone else out.

That was really the first time this year I started feeling the tendrils of my depression snake across me to pull me back in. But now I know my antidote: human interaction. So after getting my tax stuff squared away I made sure to sit out in the living room with my roommate for awhile. That helped to alleviate my feelings. The next morning I woke up and everything was fine.

This experience caused me to think about some things. First, just because I’m finally on medication for my depression doesn’t mean that it’s cured or completely gone from my system. It is still there inside of me and will pop up from time to time (though I hope it never gets as bad as it did last year).

Second, just because I still have depression doesn’t mean it defines me as a person. When I was younger my depression was my definition: I’m the depressed girl in Young Women’s. I’m the depressed missionary. I’m the depressed Relief Society president. I’m the depressed friend. It was the one thing I new so well about myself that it became my identity. Depression will always be a part of me, yes, but I’ve come to realize that it doesn’t define me. I should never let it define me.

When I really started working on managing my depression, I realized I’d have to let go of that definition for myself. It was terrifying because I thought I’d be losing a part of my identity. Having depression, for me, is a very odd relationship. Like I said earlier, I lived in it so long that it became familiar, warm, and almost comforting. At the same time, though, I knew it wasn’t good for me to live in the depths of my depression like I was doing. Finding me without the chains of depression was really scary.

But it’s been more than worth it! I’ve really come to discover who I am as a person. I can use my experiences to help others and offer them hope, encouragement, and light. It’s been a wonderful journey. My self confidence has increased as well. I feel bold enough to try new things and work on achieving my goals.

Instead of dominating my life, depression is only a small fraction of it. It comes with the full package of Kim. But that’s what makes it – and me – all the more interesting.