Hopefully the humor comes through.

1. I’m “old.” In Mormon culture, being over 23 and unmarried automatically makes you an Old Maid. It doesn’t help that I returned from my mission when I was 23. I was doomed from the start.
2. I am a menace to society, since I’m over 25 and unmarried. #badgeofhonor
3. No guy has ever eaten a dinner I’ve cooked. In college I really honed my cooking skills. Seriously, I was on fire in the kitchen (not literally, of course) my last year of college! I have several Pinterest boards dedicated to recipes that will be sure to tickle any man’s taste buds. My specialties are: pasta, chicken, pasta with chicken, and brownies. If the way to a man’s heart is really through his stomach, I could have a husband in no time.
4. I had a crush on at least 5 elders while I was serving my mission. Clearly the Lord is punishing me for not having my heart properly “locked.” I guess I walk a fine line between saint and apostate.
5. I don’t know how to flirt. Therefore, I never flirt. Even if there’s a guy who I think is super cute and with whom I want to go on a date. I just never flirt.
   
6. As of yet, I haven’t found a guy to introduce to Sean&Jocelyn. Let’s be real here – even if a potential boyfriend/fiance/husband is liked by my family but doesn’t get along with and is not approve by these two, it’s a deal breaker. I live for the day when we can go on couples double dates.
7. Not to mention I have a list of other people who need to give their stamp of approval: Uncle Howard, Aunt Tonya, Hillary, Taylor, and Bethany. Becoming a potential boyfriend/fiance/husband for me is harder than getting into Narnia.
8. Books have addled my brain. There’s no coming back. #IlikebigbooksandIcannotlie
   
9. I judge grammar hardcore. It’s impossible for me to not notice grammatical mistakes, even in my own text messages. When I receive or send a message with an error, I die a little bit on the inside.
10. I haven’t tried online dating.
11. I’m old-fashioned and expect the guy to make the first move.
12. Guys just don’t understand my clever, witty, nerdy, self-deprecating, and sometimes dark sense of humor.
    
13. Me and depression are a packaged deal. You can’t have one without the other.
14. I don’t like Harry Potter. #overrated
15. I’m so low-maintenance I’m considered lazy.
16. I don’t put myself out there enough and make my presence known. Because reading a book in the evening is the only social interaction I need in my life.
17. Mr. Knightley is not real.
    
18. Acne scares. #bigpores #pubertysucks #thesescarsstillremain
19. I refuse to be a princess who needs rescuing from an ivory tower. I am a Joan of Arc and I create my own destiny!
    (But please, somebody love me and don’t let me burn at the Stake of Singleness.)
20. I’m terribly socially awkward and can’t function in crowds.
21. Men don’t dress like this anymore:
    
22. I bite my nails. They always looks stubby.
23. I don’t smile enough. Because smiling obviously always means someone is happy and never faking it. I guess I’ll stop thinking deeply about things now.
24. 
25. When I watch movies in the theater, I get motion sick (it’s a real thing). That throws a lot of dating opportunities in the trash. “Oh, you get motion sick in the theater? Well, I guess dinner and a movie is out, so since I can’t take you on a cliche first date, I just won’t take you out at all.” #whathappenedtocreativity
26. I’m am hopelessly devoted to food. I cannot live without it.