Over the month of March, I’ve hardly posted. It’s not because I don’t have things to post. I’m behind on my book podcast and there are other topics that I’ve wanted to write about for awhile. But in March, I couldn’t make myself do anything creative or productive.

Why?

My depression came to a head.

When I came back from Mexico and started the job hunt, my cycle of depression shifted into gear. In January and February it was manageable and, to be frank, I didn’t realize what was going on. All I knew was that I was frustrated over things and lonely all the time.

I think things just got to be too much in March. I’m thankful that I currently have a job, but it’s definitely not in a field I want to be in and it’s not full-time. I had to take my car into the mechanic a couple of times, which resulted into dipping in to my savings a lot more than I wanted.

More than anything, though, I’ve felt lonely. My closest friends are scattered between Idaho, Utah, and southern Arizona. I’m not close to anyone where I currently live. That realization hit me full-force the second weekend in March. I attended Stake Conference and, while there were some really great talks and advice, I felt so lonely and isolated. I realized that I honestly, truly have no friends in this town, branch, and stake.

The following week the school I worked at had Spring break. I stayed cooped up in the house the entire week. It was miserable. It’s gotten to the point I go on walks or drives at night just to get outside for a little while. But I know that I always have to come back and face the loneliness. During Spring break I decided to do some more research on low-grade depression.

One article I came across described people with low-grade depression as the “walking depressed.” We feel the effects of depression, but it’s high functioning. We go to church, work, school, and run errands, but because we act “normal” people would never guess what we’re really battling against on the inside.

That was March for me. I was bored, unhappy, dissatisfied, and restless the entire month, but no activities appealed to me. Writing and reading – my two favorite hobbies! – felt like a burden. I just didn’t really care anymore. All I knew was that I ached and felt hollow on the inside. That made me sad because March is my favorite month of the year. I love March in Arizona: the weather, the feeling in the air, and the arrival of Spring! But I’m relieved to see it end.

From what I can feel, this cycle is coming to a close, but I’m still a little hesitant to say that I’m completely fine. I think I can say I’m on the mend, though. March has given me cause to reflect on how I need to be much more proactive when it comes to my depression. It drains you mentally, which for me is the worst exhaustion to have. But fight against it I have to. I don’t want my depression to define me and rob me of taking chances.

One of the ways I want to battle my depression is through this blog. I started questioning my motives for blogging a few days ago. Why do I still keep this up when I feel like next to no one reads it? I’m definitely not a famous blogger and I doubt I’ll ever reach that status. But I realized that the reason I blog is because writing is my life’s blood. Without writing, I would be miserable. It’s my creative outlet. I enjoy organizing my thoughts and sharing my insights.

This year I’ve made it a goal to organize this blog better. One way I’ll be doing that is by following a posting schedule:

Musing Mondays – This is where I’ll post some of my deeper thoughts, most likely about gospel topics.

Wordy Wednesdays – My book reviews will go up on Wednesdays along with anything reading and writing related.

Freebie Fridays – This day is for when I want to post about something that doesn’t necessarily fit in to the other two categories. I guess it could be called my “miscellaneous” day.

That’s not to say I’ll post every Monday and Friday. I may post on Monday one week and then Friday the following week. But I would like to have a minimum of two posts a week – if not for my readers benefit, then definitely for mine.

This past weekend was a welcome breath of fresh air. General Conference was exactly what I needed to fan the fires of determination. I just hope I can keep it going as the months progress.