As much as I try to like Fall, I just can’t. It’s never been one of my favorite seasons. Maybe it’s because that, despite the beautiful colors and crispness in the air, things are shutting down and dying. Maybe it’s because fall always brings back the nostalgic feeling of a new school year and homework. Maybe it’s because I don’t particularly enjoy Halloween, Thanksgiving, and pumpkin anything – pie, spice, drinks, and carving them.

Yet, despite all this, October has slowly come to be a very meaningful month for several reasons:

• General Conference is the first weekend of October. Some people think I’m insane because I willingly give up 8 hours of my weekend to listen to talks given my leaders in my church, but I live for General Conference. I wish it happened more than just twice a year (we also have General Conference the first weekend of April).
• October 10th is my “MTC anniversary” and the start of my 18 month mission. Though it was a difficult time, I’m forever thankful that I had the opportunity to be a missionary, learn Spanish, come to know my Savior, and learn more about the gospel.
• Okay, so this next one isn’t exactly related to a day in October, but one of my favorite movies of all time is called October Baby. That movie hit me on an emotional level when I first watched it last year. In an almost odd way, that movie gave me a lot of comfort about …

… my sister’s miscarriages.

The last and final – and the most special – reason that October means so much to me is because it’s National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.

Last year I finally came to terms with the grief I felt over the three children my sister loss. I was finally able to mourn them and their short lives. I was able to embrace the fact that, for whatever reason, their lives didn’t carry to full term. I was able to feel that they are a part of my family, even if I will never meet them in this life. All three are very real children to me and I look forward to the day when I can hold them in my arms.

This October, I’m looking forward to the birth of my nephew next year. I really want 2017 to hurry up and get here so I can see him and play with him and babysit him. I’m so excited to watch him grow and discover the world around him.

Yet I can never and will never forget those three losses. They live on in my heart and mind. Sometimes I like to imagine that they are looking down on me, encouraging me when times are rough and hard. I like to imagine them saying, “Come on, Aunt Kim, we believe in you! We know you can do this!”

To all the women who have lost a child: you are beautiful mothers. Never forget that. Your children are with you, lifting you up. The hardest part is not seeing them in this life. But I fully believe they will be the first in line to greet you in the next life.

To those who have never experienced the loss of a pregnancy or infant or have never been affected via a family member’s loss, I encourage you to be sensitive to others. Please watch what you say and never judge a person’s family. We are all going through trials. The deepest, most tender trials are suffered silently, carried in the cradle of the heart.