Usually when a new Mormon Message comes out, I try to wait a few weeks before watching it. A lot of it is a personal pride issue, because I don’t like jumping on bandwagons. But I’m working on getting rid of that pride.

This video has cropped up recently, and it caught my eye because it addresses depression and suicide prevention. The beginning talks about my favorite Greg Olsen painting, “Lost and Found,” which has a tragic story. Please take the time to watch this Mormon Message before reading on – you won’t regret the seven minutes it’ll take:

Depression rests close to my heart, because I’ve struggled with it. Actually, I think more people struggle with it than we realize. It’s just become such a taboo subject, partly because people handle it so poorly.

And today, I want to speak out about depression. I’m adding my voice to the thousands of others that are out there. I’m going to talk openly and bluntly.

First and foremost, depression is not a choice. It’s a disorder. That’s the plain, simple, medical truth – depression is a medical disorder.

And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a person who suffers from depression. Having a medical disorder is nothing to be ashamed of.

Perhaps this is a terrible example, but I like to think of it as similar to someone with diabetes. The diabetes doesn’t limit the person who has it, nor does it define them. That person just has something that they personally have to cope with. The same can be said of someone who suffers from depression. They have something they personally have to cope with.

Depression runs in my family, and I was hit the hardest from the ages of 12-15. Those three years were so dark. I felt as if I were in a deep pit, and no matter where I turned I couldn’t get out. I was consumed by it. At the time I didn’t know it was depression. All I knew was that I was hopeless, scared, angry, and sad all the time.

A few of my Young Women’s leaders had suspicions that something was wrong, but no one ever did anything about it. I found out later that they would talk about me in presidency meetings, trying to think up what they could do to help, but at the end of the day no one did anything. No one reached out, no one tried to talk to me, nothing.

I should have been more proactive. I should have tried harder to talk about how I felt. I should have tried harder to put into words the deep, vast, and dark emotions that raged inside of me. I should have done that.

Miraculously, my depression subsided when I was 15 and a half, and for almost eight years I didn’t have any serious bouts with it. Oh, I’d have occasions where I was sad, but they didn’t last for longer than a month at a time.

This next incident I don’t exactly link to depression, but it had a huge impact on me and made me realize how important listening is. I’ll get to that later on.

On my mission, I had a severe mental and emotional breakdown.

In January of this year, I reached my personal breaking point. I’d been out in the field for 15 months. For about two months I’d been feeling immense pressure. I was training a new missionary and the area was struggling. And when I say struggling, I mean it was slowly being flushed down the toilet. It wasn’t uncommon for us to have five lessons total in one week. I was stressed. I was exhausted – mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I felt as if I was carrying the entire weight of that area on my shoulders alone. I felt lonely and isolated.

The breaking point came after a series of events with some mission leaders. I will not go into detail about what happened in said events. But after these encounters, I had my mental collapse. From Saturday until Monday I cried hysterically. I felt like I was back in my pit. I would go throughout my day, wishing I wouldn’t have woken up in the morning because the hopelessness was so intense. I wanted to stop existing because I didn’t know how to process or deal with what was going on inside of me.

One of the major reasons people with depression don’t talk about it very much to others is because the other party rarely, if ever, truly listens to what we have to say.

On my mission, I felt that hardly any of my leaders listened to what I was saying. Instead they’d point out everything I was doing “wrong” and what the “right” things were that would correct the situation. I was basically told I was being selfish for what I was going through. They discredited my feelings and thoughts.

I’ve been told the classic answers when it comes to depression:
–You don’t have enough faith.
–You need to read your scriptures and pray more.
–You need to stop focusing on yourself and serve others.
–Your problem is you’re not happy enough. You need to wake up and decide to be happy.

First and foremost, never tell someone with depression any of those things.

I was essentially told over and over and over as a missionary that I didn’t have enough faith. I believed it – until that mental collapse. And then I realized how false that is. God does not give you depression because of a lack of faith. A lack of faith has nothing to do with the intensity of your depression. Having depression does not make you a bad person. And screw anyone who tells you that. Being silent and carrying the burden yourself doesn’t make you strong. Speak up. Find someone who will take you seriously, and forget all those who belittle you.

Prayer and scripture study don’t magically make depression go away. Yes, I agree that in times of hardships we need to stay close to the Savior. But that doesn’t always mean the bitter cup is going to pass us when we want it to. Through Christ and His Atonement we find the strength to carry on with our burdens and eventually they’ll be lifted. But it’s a process and it takes time. Every person’s process is different, and that needs to be taken into account. You can’t rush someone in their process of healing.

Quite frankly, telling someone with depression to stop focusing on themselves and serve more is borderline bullcrap. Yes, service does help us emotionally. But if you’re suffering from depression or anxiety or anything else to the point it’s hindering you from functioning properly, you need to focus on yourself and get the necessary help. It’s never right to hide what’s going on inside of you. If you need to say “No” to some responsibilities, it’s okay. Do it. Your mental health is important.

Like I said earlier, depression is not a choice. You can’t wake up one day, think, “By the end of the day I’ll have conquered my depression!” and then have it come to pass. Maybe some people out there have done that, but I haven’t heard of them. Depression is not something that can be swept away. Everyone has to find a way to cope with their depression. Smiling is not a cure-all, either. I know plenty of people who have a smile plastered on their face nearly 24/7, but are absolutely miserable inside. Work on having a positive attitude, counting your blessings, and looking at the good things in life. Try not to dwell on your depression, but also realize that you need to start off small. Baby steps. Don’t run faster than you’re able to.

People with depression need someone who will listen. Most the time, we don’t necessarily need advice. We don’t need someone to tell us what we’re doing wrong and how to fix it. Because guess what? You can’t “fix” our depression. We just need an ear, a hug, a friend, someone who will be there for us. We need someone who will treat us normally, but be there when we’re struggling. Don’t preach at us.

There is hope. There is always hope. Depression is a long, hard road – I’m not going to deny that. And though I don’t like the times when depression has me in its clutches, I learn valuable lessons from those times.

Because of my depression, I learned my personal worth.
Because of my depression, I grew closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father.
Because of my depression, I learned how to listen to others who are struggling.

I’m so thankful for a wonderful family – my parents and sister – who stayed by my side during those rough years and who were my support during that horrible time on my mission. They were my rock and foundation. I’m thankful for true friends who listened and cared for me. And on my mission, I’m thankful for that one district leader who showed he cared during that time – who reached out the best he knew how that weekend. Your efforts did not go unnoticed. Thank you, Elder.

Your depression does not define you. And there is hope. There is always hope! Keep moving forward to the next day.

You are special.
You are loved.
And you are strong.